Blog Entry (Or, Clever Alternate Title)
Start with a declarative sentence, introductory/expository, neither too long nor too short, which contains the seed of the flowering blog entry. Follow-up with a shorter, more dismissive sentence.
Begin to flesh out the idea in a taut little paragraph, one that lasts between three and five textual lines. Single lines of text are good when in a rush or while poorly imitating Hemingway’s cadence; use sparingly and most often at the very beginning, very middle (as transitional figure), or very end (as a closer) of Blog Entry.
Be sure to make your language as euphonious as possible — disguise redundant explanatory related clauses as further clarification. Set off with Dickinsonian dashes (–). Make liberal use of dictionary.com and thesaurus.com.
Never use a three-syllable structure (longer word) when a five-syllable one (polysyllabic) will do. Adverbs are golden opportunities to demonstrate one’s mastery of adding -ly (or -ically) to words. (parenthetical expressions illustrate a humorous level of self-awareness, without which modern culture can’t exist).
Sprinkle in longer-view social commentary as subtly (thus, as convincingly) as possible.
Links are always fun.
Sometimes blog entries veer into different directions.
It helps to break things up further, to let the information diffuse into the brain, by making some sort of short, bulleted list:
-Here’s the first example of whatever I’m talking about.
-And the second!
Sometimes one needs to utilize a persona even further removed from one’s actual self than the one created by sincere writing: in this case, create a spooky, hypothetical dialogue between archetypal creatures. Italicize.
Man: I told you not to eat those paint chips. Now look at you.
Bank Teller: In case of fire, wipe down any surfaces touched by the raw chicken.
Pop culture gags go over big. The more obscure the reference the better, but not too obscure — we don’t want to become Ezra Pound (most of us, anyway).
Mix everyday vernacular (y’all, y’know, dang) with useless, heightened vernacular (archetypal, syllogisms, pedant).
When creating syllogisms (do so rarely, no one likes a pedant) and otherwise drawing conclusions, be sure to make your thought process as vague as possible. Think fuzzy. Conceal a lack of foresight and actual, rational thought as a satirical musing whenever the going gets tough (i.e. when readers call you on it).
Absurd non-sequitur.
Like in a ballet or while hooking up, or while hooking up with a ballerina, it’s best to finish with a flourish. One must step up ONto one’s soapbox at this point, rather than standing alongside it or just kinda chatting with one foot glibly resting on it.
Curse, curse, curse: when you’re really pissed off, or just want to sound it, toss in “fucking”s like there’s no tomorrow (and there isn’t – and don’t resist the temptation to hide your philosophical beliefs as purloined letters – so obvious they can’t be real. But they are. Ellipses are a fairweather friend…)
CAPITALIZE every so often. Especially words THAT don’t need more emphasis. In music it’s called syncopation.
Fancy people write and enjoy sentences with semicolons; why write two sentences when one will do?
End as abruptly as the start.
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