No, this entry isn’t about every single American (ba-zing).

It’s about the incidentally young male concubines who I see slutting it up in television advertisements.

I didn’t think I watched a lot of TV, until my little group became an actual list, and thus blogworthy.

Three hast been the number of harem members I have counted; the number of my counting hast been three…

Prostitute the First: There’s a portly fellow who’s the underling of the Capital One Guy (i.e. David Spade), whom COG instructs in changing the last syllables of words that sound like “No” TO “No.” If memory serves, the first switcheroo our portly friend makes is the “PoNO” to COG’s “Marco.”

Then this dude shows up in a commercial for Enterprise Rent-A-Car, on the way to pick up a pair of foxes (of their own questionable sexual purity) at his 10th high school reunion.

Tramp the Second: This one’s pretty subtle; just now I thought it’d be best not to close with it. It’s the GEICO guy (the one who’s not the little gecko). The GEICO guy does the robot, and also goes door-to-door to get the literal 3% of Americans (not how polls actually work) who weren’t satisfied with Geico’s service.

Well. I thought this guy was harmless and loyal until I see his stoic ass in a chair next to a mailbox IN HIS LIVING ROOM in a NETFLIX commercial.

Skank the Third: I think it’s for Napster, but I stopped paying attention to that when it was the Original. It’s a commercial where a guy with two days’ scruff is sitting at a desk, and smarmily responding to his co-workers and supervisors’ rather sincere requests with snotty snips from songs. “Don’t stand so close to me,” “Shut up..just shutup-shutup.” Meh. Shave and speak, otherwise you are a devolving embarrassment. Good commercial though.

Anyway yeah, this guy also showed up in a McDonald’s commercial. Rock.

Keep an eye out for my friends here, and lend them some pity; in doing so, you redeem them.