Escalator Etiquette
The very first thing I’m going to teach my child is not going to be his or her name, or my name, or anything like that. My kid’ll figure that stuff out on its own. Most of that exposition stuff teaches itself, anyway. Or, it’s not even worth knowing.
No, the first piece of earthly wisdom I will pass along to the newest generation will be: How To Function On An Escalator.
There are scores of people – both young and younger, all dumb – who were never taught the proper method. I could do a headcount, since that’s what I see when I am forced to halt my movement, right behind them, as they block the already-narrow walking-side of the escalator.
The rundown, real quick (for those of you who need it):
Stand to the right, walk to the left.
See how few syllables that mantra contains? Eight. How simple! I’m not being pretentious in believing this is another symbolic incarnation of the Buddha’s “eightfold path.” Getting caught up on a long escalator, just missing your subway — that’s suffering. And it’s got the dual singularity of the standing and walking, slow lane-fast lane, the yin-and-yang–
You see my point. In a small way – I dare not say microcosm – it’s the key to understanding everything there is to know in the entire universe. Aside from being practical, the escalator is where technology meets morality. During all that time, for all that ink spilled over how quickly technology advances, and how slow human morality and social awareness are to catch up to it — their mutual secret is in our department stores and transportation hubs.
Now, back to my firstborn: I don’t paint my unconceived child incapable of learning-by-doing after seeing the way the process works. It’s simple enough. But, as the evidence has shown, the point needs reiteration. I won’t mind my child being so far ahead of its peers in this avenue. And that’s not to condone being a jerk, you know, pushing people around. Because, as civilized people know, being a jerk is not what escalator etiquette is all about. It’s about being considerate. It’s about acting with purpose. And it’s about knowing yourself well enough to get where you’re going at your own rate, while at the same exact time getting and staying the hell out of my way.
