FG #45
3497 Hempstead Turnpike
Levittown, NY 11756
Visited: October 23, 2010

I don’t know how many real birds you can kill with a real stone – maybe it is two at best, maybe more than two if it’s a bigger stone or smaller birds, or if they’re lined up just right – but as for metaphorical ones, I was in a position to knock off six in one short road trip to Long Island. That’s like taking out a whole fucking nest. Seldom had free time been so efficient and godawfully cruel.

Four of these little bastards weren’t anything to do with food. The Five Guys location we stopped at – one of just under two hundred, one of the chainier chains I figure to visit on the Tour – was on Hempstead Turnpike, on Long Island, about two-thirds of the way between where I live now and where I grew up. The restaurant was in a shopping center like many that we’d already passed and like the many we would have passed if we’d continued. Luckily, I had the address, so the right shopping center was an easy find.

Our usual three met up eventually, two of us having driven out, one having been out there for work. The pair of us got to the parking lot first and had some time to kill, and more than enough ways in which to kill it. Further back from the street were two huge stores that might have served me well: Party City, and the fly-by-night Halloween City, fly-by-night because the store’s banner half-hid the remains of permanent lettering that had once been firmly attached, and because they would surely have to ship out in time for the winter-themed City to take its place. We went to one, then the other, in both places looking for a particular and integral part of my forthcoming Halloween costume. No dice. The costume is still incomplete. Fortunately, at a video game store, I was able to spend some money on a birthday gift that I wasn’t able to track down in the city for whatever person whose birthday this might have been, or still might be sometime in the future as early as next week. Three birds down.

The next two would meet their fate after the third of us showed up. We walked into the restaurant, bigger than I was used to (it being the suburbs), both higher and longer. It was full but not crowded, ideal. The color scheme was lots of white, lots of red. The tables were up front. The counter and kitchen were to the left. On the right were quotations from positive reviews from the recent past, lauding the burgers and the fries, too, while advertising their presence in New York city. We got good word of this place from the friend of ours who let fly Super Duper Weenie, so that’s high praise. His girlfriend had good things to say about the fries, so I would be sure to get those, too.

The fourth bird: To the right of the menu was an unmissable sign that read something very much like, “Our fries are cooked in 100% Peanut Oil.” This was better than it was worse. I would finally have the opportunity to address scientifically something I’d never before had the patience or self-esteem to investigate, what I’m sure is a delayed food sensitivity to peanuts. Not a full-fledged allergy, luckily, because I can only imagine how dangerous and stressful that can be. No, what I have is just enough to give me some hives, themselves threatening mostly to my pride and ego, twelve to twenty-four hours after eating food relating to peanuts. I’d bite the bullet that night, eat the fries and see if the oil really did it. Finally, I’d know what’s what.

And finally, some words about the burger, the fifth bird. I got a “regular” cheeseburger, same onions-lettuce-pickles, as opposed to a “little” cheeseburger. I think the difference is that with the regular you get two patties, the little, one. For the regular with cheese, they sneak the cheese on top of each patty, still square and hanging a little over the sides and not entirely melted. The toppings were bursting from up top.

It was absolutely worth the five or so dollars. It compares well to those of Shake Shack and Burger Joint, a meatier bite because of the extra patty, and unique among the three because of that. Single patty vs. single patty, it’d have been a more distant third. As such, it was close, and it was excellent for what it was. A touch heartier, a touch less flavorful, still delicious. I did get a large fries to split. The cup they came in was bigger than my drink. And there were still as many overflow fries in the bag itself, working their way towards being my window to weight gain. The fries were noticeably different than other places, crispier, oilier. Good as advertised. The bigger ones hid at the bottom of the cup and the rest were crunchy halflings, some still with skin. I thought against putting up another picture with the same burger, but here goes, it tells the story:

It’s nice to know there are so many of these around, as I wrote, close to two hundred, all in the Northeast US. That’s about 1000 Guys in all, each offering a tasty burger for a reasonable price. I’ll be sure to go back – this time skipping the fries.

Look to read about the sixth bird, the original reason for our trip, later in the week. Ooh, suspense!

GRAFT: Burgers
1. Shake Shack – New York, NY
2. Burger Joint – New York, NY
3. Five Guys – Levittown, NY
4. Donovan’s Pub – Woodside, NY
5. Ted’s Restaurant – Meriden, CT