Dan Mooney

Do your exes (or crushes) vaguely resemble each other – and you?

If you wore a wig – or cut your hair – would that new image sum up your picture of an ideal mate?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, thank your empty sky that we have the solution to one of your many, many problems.

Other computer-based compatibility services would have you fill out a questionnaire, getting to know the “real you” in however many different and overcomplicated ways.

They are trying to set you up with someone with the same fractured view of the world.

And they are wasting your time.

Think about this: Most people who aren’t ultra-rich pair off with someone more or less “in their league,” right?

We take that premise to its nth degree:

We find you someone who looks like you.

Those so-called “brother-sister” couples you see out there are onto something, and not merely a legal way to work through two lifetimes of psychological complexes.

They’re in love with themselves – together.

And they’re okay with that.

Are you?

Do you want to be?

Here’s how our system works:

1) Sign up with us online.

2) Include a picture.

That’s it. We’ll run your face through our computers and find those candidates who match your physicality most precisely. Bone structure, other facial features and proportions are most important, but hair color, eye color, and skin tone are all taken into account.

We’ll give you a way to contact your closest three matches. If those relationships don’t pan out, and both parties report back that they didn’t, you’ll then have access to more candidates (people who will look less and less like you) for a small fee every time after that first batch of three.

Is our service not exactly what you’re looking for? Check this out: We’ve listened to our customer base and, for another small fee, we can make hair color, eye color and skin tone uncheckable variables to cover your whole range of mommy and daddy and sibling and cousin issues. Accuse us of exploiting the most damaged, fine, but know that you would do the same.

But don’t think our system is just for attractive people who haven’t yet found themselves. For all you fucking ugly people out there, rest easy. Continue to hide yourself from the world as we do the legwork, sparing you more of the rejection you’ve felt all your life and eventually finding for you another poor unfortunate soul on whom genetics (or bad luck, or other environmental factors) has played a similarly terrible and permanent practical joke.

Simply put, what we offer will be of use to every single self-centered person out there.

Too busy with a high-paying job to meet people?

New in town?

Shy?

Disfigured?

Start living your life, today.

Let us find your physical match.