Not a Girl, Not Yet a Human Being
Britney Spears, you turn 23 today. It’s a beautiful age, and I should know, for I will have been so for a month, tomorrow.
I know I don’t have to get you anything, because you have the money and celebrity to procure anything you could possibly desire.
But you’ve given me so much over the last five or six years, that I’d like to send you a little something, just so you know how much y’all have meant.
They’re called “blessed implants” — they come in pairs, and they are inserted during a straightforward outpatient procedure. They will feel uncomfortable at first, but if you try, you will get used to them.
The “Dignity” implant is placed beneath your left breast, so as to come between your familiar outer shell and your poor neglected HEART. It is tucked, with some effort, in the space there that is conspicuously empty, where neither light can escape nor good taste enter.
The “Self-Respect” nodule, meanwhile, is nestled behind your right breast, so when you think of it, you will remember to do what is RIGHT for yourSELF and not just your decaying image.
Savor these, and savor today. Enjoy your youth while you have it, m’lady. Soon you’ll be yesterday’s news and washed-up, no one will like or respect you and you’ll be married with chil–
Oops.
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