Let’s just rattle these off, shall we? Hop on:

-Tim Robbins was wasted, but not as wasted as Dustin Hoffman. Definitely wasted.

-Johnny Depp is still the coolest motherfucker alive.

-During one of the speeches, the director cut to Morgan Freeman amorously petting his Oscar. Which is freaky, ’cause he usually plays noble, Morgan Freeman-like characters with little or no sexuality.

-That drug mule lead actress chick is caliente, man. Muy.

-Along those lines, Sidney Lumet’s daughter’s breasts should have gotten their own honorary Oscar.

-I fear, yet cannot resist the temptation, to think that more than one winner has used his or her Oscar as a sexual device. I don’t care if it’s wrong of me, that’s an awfully sleek interpretation of the human form.

-Al Pacino, awarding Sidney Lumet, has never been duller in his entire life. He replaced a page in his own “there is no over-acting” instructional pamphlet with one from Eastwood’s “less is more, and even less is even more” acting handbook.

-I shook the hand that shook the hand of the man that used to date Natalie Portman. No lie.

-Kate Winslet is a beautiful, beautiful woman.

-I saw two people falling asleep in the background, on separate occasions.

-Along THOSE lines, I think even the Academy is tired of Robin Williams’ shit.

-I was happy that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind won for Best Original Screenplay. That’s about as sincere as I’ll get tonight.

-It’s just not the same without Jack there. Or John Cusack. Johnny Depp is cool, but normally the Coolness Pantheon has at least three pillars. Four if a cardboard cutout of late-90′s Ed Norton is available. Sam Jackson was a fifth, but he was ousted after XXX. Banking on your coolness in B-pictures is uncool.

-I may have nodded off a second time at the very end, when I saw them use Clint Eastwood’s Best Director Oscar to crush the heart of Martin Scorsese into a bloody paste. Great special effects. But then, I’m not surprised.